Redefining Control: Empowering Steps for a Pastor’s Wife Amid Life’s Turbulence

A black woman who feels empowered amidst chaotic environent like a busy NYC intersection

A pastor’s wife has many reasons to believe other people’s actions, decisions, mistakes, preferences, ambitions or opinions have a greater control over her life than she does. As a pastor’s wife, you can feel someone has pinned a sign to your back reading, “I’m the pastor’s wife around here and I will fit into any mold you choose to make for me.” 

Another reality is that many pastors’ wives feel they’ve had to bear the consequences of other people’s decisions. Consider a pastor’s wife whose husband was unfaithful and every thing they had built together in ministry came tumbling down. Not as a result of her mistake but someone else’s. A pastor’s wife may have been hurt by actions of church members. Her children may have been hurt as well.

Financial decisions are made that she may not have been a part of, and yet she has to enjoy or suffer the consequences. 

How can she take responsibility for her life considering the myriad of circumstances that seem out of her control? It is tough but achievable. I will be sharing insights on how you can do this.

I am writing this article with the following assumptions;

You are not trying to leave. You are trying to figure out how to stay without feeling like a victim.
You are not trying to hate people. You are trying to love them without losing yourself.
Basically, you are trying to please and obey God here without suffering constantly for it.

Firstly God loves you. He isn’t the one victimizing you. He loves you and you are already pleasing to Him
Your identity and self-worth are not in question. You are secure in Christ Jesus.

Recognize some things that are always going to be in your control, no matter what – your peace, your joy, your ability to believe God
““I leave the gift of peace with you—my peace. Not the kind of fragile peace given by the world, but my perfect peace. Don’t yield to fear or be troubled in your hearts—instead, be courageous!” – John‬ ‭14‬:‭27‬ ‭TPT‬‬
“Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” – Philippians‬ ‭4‬:‭4‬-‭7‬ ‭NKJV‬‬
Recognize areas that are under your control that have not been relinquished to you
Know your boundaries
Recognize areas that are not in your control but are not going to crush you because you have a relationship with God.
“We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed— always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.” – ‭‭II Corinthians‬ ‭4‬:‭8‬-‭10‬ ‭NKJV‬‬
Prophetic Word – “Out of my deep anguish and pain I prayed, and God, you helped me as a father. You came to my rescue and broke open the way into a beautiful and broad place.” – Psalms‬ ‭118‬:‭5‬ ‭TPT‬‬

Who are you going to hold responsible for your life? Hold yourself responsible and watch yourself make progress. The power to move forward lies in putting responsibility where it belongs. Even in situations where people have hurt you, say to yourself – “I was hurt. I let their actions hurt me.” Or “I allowed myself to get hurt.” If you are still putting the blame on someone else, then you are not yet ready. You are not ready to make the adjustments that will keep you from recreating mistakes from your past.

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